whisper

再抱怨
5 July 2004

這些年頭，因著往時基督教中學的背景，同輩的婚禮大多在教堂舉行，昨天才第一次去在婚姻註冊署舉行的那種。

坐在教堂內，常常感嘆為何要把一切弄得堂皇華麗，新娘面上的妝為何要化得那麼「行」；假如意義需要實踐的形式，人要把事情弄得幾興高采烈幾熱鬧非常才能體現那日的深刻，即使那興高采烈顯得喧囂張狂且失去意義？人沒法知曉將來，因此無從保證，許下的只能夠是「願意」這終極的二字。誓言：文字，文字以及一切。

在婚姻註冊署，那註冊官襟前掛著名牌，在眾人面前代表法律，香港特別行政區政府的法律，用比教育電視更公式化的抑揚頓挫的錄音帶語調，說明婚姻在法律下的意義，甚至，官員沒有向新人作目光的交流，她到底是對著誰宣告沒有人知道。而最難忍受、最令人憤怒的是那幾乎主持整個婚禮程序，而非記錄事件的攝影師。新朗在簽字的重要時刻，攝影師說：「望向鏡頭來！對！」新娘在簽字的重要時刻，攝影師在更換相機電池說：「簽慢一點，望向鏡頭來！對！」咔嚓、咔嚓、咔嚓，要不是我尊重這一刻的神聖莊嚴，這剝削真理的人兒，哼，幹麼要給他幾千塊錢。

是我日漸變得不耐煩，抑或侵擾已經多得無可再多？我總是飽受意義之苦。阿彌陀佛，別要提起晚宴那些powerpoint及powerpoint那百貨公司音樂了......

顏色
11 July 2004

我試圖牢記周遭出現的不同顏色組合，提高對顏色的敏感度，希望長久浸淫後讓我作畫時用得著。出門的時候對自己說，好，不如一天留意一種顏色，一星期七天就看夠七色，今天就留意橙色吧。然後衝著來的是白工廠的橙鐵柵、修路架起的紅白橙欄杆、魚肝油丸包裝的紅橙藍、機場巴士車身的泥黃與橙、路牌的紅邊褪成淡淡的橙......，然後給顏色搞得困惑，不知道如何可以不談別的顏色而純粹談論某一種色，再然後自我修正說，唏，一開始訂下的目標，不是只想試著緊記不同的顏色組合嗎？

我只想用眼睛看，不讓事物擦身而過，不想說話因為我無法邊說邊看，不想說話因為話語使人忘卻文字。

巴士在蜿蜒的路上疾行，我放目於山巒間，俯瞰一山一山的相連、重疊與及因巴士游移而產生的錯置，山脈的紋理形成無以形容的傾斜，語言、畫筆、攝影在此都顯得卑賤，眼睛單純地看就最好，心直跳了出來。

上帝先創造了光，然後才創造了星體，那麼光到底是甚麼我真的不知道，可能先有了光這我們理解成一種「能量」的混沌的東西，才有一種表達光的形式稱之為星體，如此可以說，是光令太陽燃燒，而不是太陽燃燒產生光，愈照愈遠，也許眼睛是一個星體吧。

清單
15 July 2004

想到死亡，假如命運不再允許獻予或期望更多。意思並不指情緒的低潮，樂得要死，只是恆常的某種對未來的打算，積極得有點可怕，譬如哪些畫留給誰，哪些畫作或文字永不可發表，最後要對各人非說不可的說話和道理之類的詳情。一直在腦內打轉，總得弄出一張清單來，但寫或說出來都顯得非常尷尬；卻又想到像"What'd you say to me if I were to die tonight?"這種對白，從很多年前起一直以不同的形式出現在作品裏，絮語不休...以及很多省略號.....彷彿一生都是由省略號構成的，意味著說不盡的______，和對一切不解的包容......

創意：察看事物而非陳述事物、對找出察看事物真象的角度的追求、或；設法找出事物摺疊的地方將之展平(波高斯基：「撕裂的透明／何處不一樣／無聲無光／其時只有筆桿」)、《無痛失戀》夢中的逃逸、刷新概念並分享予人。

創意的相反：小聰明、意識形態、反動、詭計。

待續......

病貓
16 July 2004

貓病了，老毛病，很常見的那種。八號風球還沒除，我跟媽媽冒著微雨和寒風走到村後的草叢拔草，拔了些幼嫩的，想貓兒不會吃草時割傷嘴。人們說，貓病了就會自己跑去吃草，可清腸胃，但我貓生性內向，爪不出戶，收養她的人類就得代勞。然後我們抄到湖邊的小路，找百花蛇舌草，不果。媽說，這些驟晴驟雨的天氣，最多百花蛇舌草長出來，多長在石屎小徑的罅隙，但我們找不著，大概是附近的婆婆們一早摘了，因為可以賣錢。我們走回家，才發現大門口的小徑長了很多百花蛇舌草，媽媽樂開來，我試著辨認它們的外貌，那幼小的線條和彎曲我都不懂畫，拔了很多，沖洗了一大束煮了喝，可袪濕排毒，健睥養陰，其餘給貓兒，她本能地一口一口咬，比咬嫩草還多。許多許多生活/生存/生命的智慧我都不懂，愈多讀書愈不懂，很渺小很渺小。我問哥，為甚麼媽會知道那麼多？他反問，她幾歲啊？我問媽，妳廿七歲的時候曉不曉得拔草？她說不，都是見養貓的同事在拔草才知道。而我知媽有貓般老了，媽常說貓一歲等於人七歲。改掛三號風球，外面落狗屎，我一直想著湖邊那安靜的風景。

回到舊時
28 July 2004

為著討厭的事無法入睡，也為著喜歡的事無法入睡，就像始終沒有找到事情的核心，而只到達事物的周圍，就像那篇譯文，寫註解的部份比翻譯內文還要吃力。

最後找到這網站，內含卡夫卡所有書信的原文，上載到這虛擬世界，雖然不懂德文，但見它仔細地編好日期，又附簡單的註釋，人就興奮起來：不如回到1900年吧

從電視新聞得知，雅典終於把奧運會的城市建設搞得九九十十，快要完工，不禁有點失望，原因是，原本希望所有建設都搞垮了，好使國際媒體因而失去報導的主體和焦點，以致拖累奧運的商機與相關廣告宣傳。見希臘人平常悠閒渡日，就知道他們的性子本就不是好大喜功那種，與其享受全球注目，不如享受避世的寧靜，假如搞不成奧運建設，不如索性回到最初最初的雅典奧運一樣，大家在沙地上賽跑、跳遠和擲鐵餅吧，還要穿上繩索式的涼鞋，而且不要再頒獎牌，而是戴上橄欖葉冠冕，這樣就最好。如今，我們距離核心，恐怕愈走愈遠了。

(然後我再記起，塔可夫斯基《鄉愁》裏，劇終那瘋人的一段話。)

假如讓他說下去
28 July 2004

容讓我的說話用了太多「就像」，因為沒法子說得準確，而挪用太多譬喻。

昨晚致電較早前曾訪問了David B.的朋友，或者因為她的訪問已經夠仔細了(David B.後來也在我面前稱讚她) ，而且我也太關心他們L'Association出版社早期的運作，到今天，他們已有十四年歷史了，我們傾談之時，我對於他們早期的提問都變得很technical的，例如錢、例如發行、例如媒體...

他在他的作品上給我簽名，我見旁邊"amitiés" 一字，才敢確認我們之間的友誼，儘管已相識了一段日子；是他言談謙遜的態度，令人切切感受到他多年來的堅持、與及無視別人的注視、批評、妒嫉和讚許，都是值得的。他耐心對我等晚輩說的話，深刻得我今天已對四個朋友重覆說了四遍，並且樂意繼續說下去，這些我們尚未兌現的信念。

我盡我所能，把他的說話記錄如下，我想他已身體力行，向我們的時代提出了真正的答案了。共勉之。

"In the late 80s there were many comic books of 64 or 56 full-colour pages with hard covers, with only action stories and adventure stories. But we wanted to draw our stories and our own stories... We see publication as a political statement, by 'political' i don't mean about government politics, but the politics of publishing a book. We wanted to be different. We see our comics more like literature, so we tried to distribute our books to small bookshops and literary bookshops, not those big bookshops like FNAC. We see ourselves as auteurs. We wanted to take part in every part of the publication, we have to write a very good scenario, we have to draw very good illustrations for our stories, we have to make good book design. The size of the books, the page design, everything. They make 64 pages only because it was easier for the printers to print them. But we wanted to do better books -- like Lewis Trondeim's 《Lapinot》he has drawn 500 pages -- we have tried many different printers, printers from Italy as well... If you want to make good books you have to be different. We draw black and white comics. We don't want those mainstream type of book design, cause we see our comics more like literature, we made very simple book covers with only two colours -- one is black, plus another colour -- and in the bookshops our two-colour covers had become very visible and people started to recognize our works. This is politics. I see it as a war. And this is our political statement. We have to be our own and be different. By 'different' it doesn't mean that 'you have to be different and so you make yourself different', to be different it means that you have to know very well what is inside you, know what you want and know how to do it, that is to propose your own idea, and make something new, this is very important. It is also important to make different collections, where you have to know what you want and how to do it.

"We believe we can explore more on the form of comics. This is also our political statement. That's why we published autobigraphical comics, unlike the mainstream action stories and adventure stories. We don't aim at conveying any message to the readers because we are not selling propaganda. The message is in the comic itself, the act of drawing is already the message itself, how we make the book is the message as well, the readers will discover it by themselves. We draw autobiographical comics because we see our life important and we want to draw it, in this sense drawing our life is a reflection on our life.

"Of course money is a problem, but our comics is another problem. If you do you work very well, there will be a way out for financial support. At the beginning we only had 2 or 3 people among ourselves to do the distribution. Working collectively is important, we can help one another. We spent a lot of energy to do the distribution by ourselves. At first many bookshops refused us, they did not accept new things like ours. But we tried again and again, and did not give up. They refused us this time, but next time we brought new books to them and they may take them. Then more bookshops had our books in stock. And for the other cities in France, we sent them catalogues and then phoned to them to see if they wanted to order our books. This was very difficult to do the distribution, but you have to be very courageous, and you have to keep on. Do not give up. Some years later, more and more people order our books, and we could not handle by ourselves anymore, so we hired a girl to help us for these administrative works.

"We really don't care about the media at all. If you are doing things which is good enough, people will recognize you. We even did not give any of our books to any journalists. There are so many journalists and you simply cannot give everything to them. You do your own books and do it good, people will approach to you, you don't have to approach to them. In the beginning there were only one or two journalists who are more sensitive to recogize our publications. They wrote articles about us in Libération. Later more and more people know about us, and at the end the journalists write about us more than writing about the works from big publishers. Some people would become jealous. But don't bother about the media. At the end we realize that, if someone write articles or do interview with us, that will be enough; never do anything for the media, you don't really need exposure, just do what you really want to do."